When we think about the holiday season, we think twinkly lights, delicious food, and time spent with family and friends. We鈥檇 be willing to bet that estate planning probably doesn鈥檛 make it to the top of your holiday list. However, discussing our end of life plans and wishes is one of the most important conversations we should be having with our loved ones.听
We鈥檙e helping you broach the topic of estate planning this holiday season so you can finally have the difficult conversations that you鈥檝e been putting off. We connected with some experts to get their suggestions and advice based on their personal experiences.听听
All our expert contributors have a different point of view that we鈥檙e thrilled to share with you. However, discussions around estate planning are as unique as you, so we always recommend taking into consideration the dynamics and experiences of you and your loved ones, when approaching difficult conversations.
鈥
We sat down with Mark O鈥橣arrell, CEO of , and here鈥檚 what he had to say:
鈥
外网天堂: What makes these conversations around death and estate planning so difficult?
Mark O鈥橣arrell: Talking about end-of-life makes it real, and most people would prefer to pretend it isn鈥檛.听 Some people, who normally aren鈥檛 at all superstitious, suddenly fear the worst.听 鈥淒on鈥檛 say the word or it will happen.鈥澨
It鈥檚 not just irrational fear either, the fear of looking foolish because someone can鈥檛 carry a conversation is very real, and most people know very little about end-of-life situations, estate preparation and settlement etc., precisely because no one ever wants to talk about it.
Some people even have lines rehearsed, just in case someone tries to start the conversation.听 鈥淲e Joneses don鈥檛 talk about religion, politics, or dying!鈥 even if they鈥檙e glued to American politics. or 鈥淭hey鈥檒l be time enough to talk about that stuff when I鈥檓 six feet under!鈥 even if they鈥檙e planning on cremation. The point about calling out the hypocrisy is to distinguish a defense from an opinion, because otherwise you鈥檒l address the entirely wrong issue and never get anywhere.听听
It鈥檚 also important to understand the role entrenchment plays.听 Someone who has successfully defended against the need to have a conversation for decades feels almost competitive about the need to 鈥榢eep their record鈥.听听
Lastly, people fear that conversation will lead to the need to do something, (otherwise why talk about it?) whereas doing nothing is their current and preferred state of affairs.听听听
It鈥檚 important to understand these issues because the person initiating the conversation needs to appreciate what they鈥檙e up against.听 The conversation they鈥檙e trying to break into is protected by ignorance, apathy, superstition, entrenchment and a person so determined to avoid it they鈥檝e actually rehearsed the confrontation.听听
听
外网天堂: What do you suggest as a way to begin an awkward or difficult conversation?听
Mark O鈥橣arrell: There are many ways to begin difficult conversations but it helps to remember . Knowing what you hope to accomplish frames the direction and serves as a marker for when to end the discussion with everyone coming out feeling good about what was accomplished. If people feel competitive, as mentioned, then they want to come out feeling like a winner.
Also, don鈥檛 begin when you start talking. Begin well in advance. For example, if your opener is 鈥業 was reading a disturbing article the other day and it got me thinking鈥︹ then make sure you read a disturbing article first!听听
Have some stats ready to end subjective dismissals.听 For example, if someone says 鈥業鈥檓 sure everything will be fine鈥, it helps to be ready to respond with 鈥榓ctually Dad, I read that 70% of Canadians don鈥檛 even have a current and valid will, and do you know who decides who gets all their stuff?听 The government.听Frankly, Dad, I don鈥檛 know about you, but that scares me.鈥
外网天堂: Do you believe that it's better to plan a time in advance or naturally weave it into an ongoing conversation?
Mark O鈥橣arrell: Some people are more comfortable planning out the whole conversation, including the timing, the location, the participants and so on.听The reason is it gives them more control, but they don鈥檛 think about why.听 It鈥檚 because they took all the control away from the person with whom they want to speak! The result is a person with their guard up, looking out for an attack, and being highly defensive with good reason.听听听
Raise the topic when conversation is already flowing comfortably, with as few people as possible, when the time feels right.
外网天堂: Many people avoid conversation around wills and death in an effort to not 鈥榖ring down the mood.鈥 How do you suggest making the topic less scary?
Mark O鈥橣arrell: If you don鈥檛 want to talk about a scary topic then talk about something that isn鈥檛 scary. For example, don鈥檛 talk about death, talk about a person鈥檚 legacy.听 Everyone has one, whether it was their love of puppies or solving world hunger.听 Everyone will be remembered by someone for something.听Once people understand that, it becomes much easier to consider what theirs will be. At the appropriate point, casually mention it would be good to write some of this down.听Where do you write it?听 In a little document called a will!
外网天堂: What is the best way to have the discussion with a family member who may be avoiding/not want to have the conversation?
Mark O鈥橣arrell: 听If it鈥檚 difficult to have a positive conversation, then it might be best to make the conversation about the conversation.听 For example, 鈥楳om, I could really use your advice.听 How would you handle it if you wanted to talk to someone about something you knew would be difficult for them, and that they wouldn鈥檛 want to talk about, but it was really important to you for a number of reasons and you respected this person so much, you really didn鈥檛 want to upset them?鈥櫶
She鈥檒l figure out what鈥檚 really going on in a heartbeat but she鈥檒l also know it鈥檚 important to you, that you respect her and you don鈥檛 want to upset her.听 That鈥檚 a pretty good place to start.
外网天堂: Is there a better environment/setting to have these types of conversations?
Mark O鈥橣arrell: This is another control issue that is almost certainly going to end badly. As soon you start planning you also start taking control away from the other person.听The worst response you can hear is 鈥榶ou planned this, didn鈥檛 you?鈥
Physical control can be even worse.听 For example, starting the conversation while driving them somewhere creates close physical proximity without an easy exit which makes the person feel trapped.听
If the person is engaged in something when you broach the topic, such as cooking or driving then you have them at a disadvantage because you have nothing distracting you from the conversation. This heightens the sense it was planned and it can feel highly disrespectful.听听
The best environment is one in which the person you鈥檙e speaking with is comfortable, safe, without distractions and engaged completely voluntarily.听听
外网天堂: Any tools, resources you recommend like to further help people with these conversations?
Mark O鈥橣arrell: Tools and resources are fine for after the conversation is over - during the conversation these are nothing but props.听 The best tools are eyes for looking directly at the person when speaking and hands for holding to show empathy.听听
外网天堂: Any final pieces of advice?
Mark O鈥橣arrell: Consider that one day someone will be trying to have the same conversation with you and ask yourself how you would want them to handle it.听听
Remember that the conversations you have will never go as badly as the ones you don鈥檛.
is the CEO of Executor Depot's one-of-a-kind online platform is designed to assist Canadians with everything they need to know to prepare and settle Canadian estates. Mark has given hundreds of seminars across Canada, to the public, professional associations, study groups, Canadian businesses, industry symposia and aboard continuing education cruise ships around the world. He has been speaking about the important role of executors and on estate tax strategies for more than 20 years.
